2 Months away…
And its really not cool of me. I feel guilty for staying away so long. I used to document everything in Jason’s life, and then I started working, and work became something that took ALL OF MY TIME. I still hate my job. I still hate being away from Jason all the time. I miss this community.
I wasn’t just away for work though. Honestly, I was sick of all the happy pregnant faces I saw all the time. I know I’m not supposed to say that. I know its not right, and I know its selfish. I know all these things, and I still feel the way I do.
I want another baby. I want Erick and I to take our relationship to the next level. I want to be a wife AND a mother. I want to take care of my boys and I want to bring another child into this world. I want another baby. I want a baby with the man that I love.
I can’t have any of this. Erick insists that we are too young and he isn’t ready. I’m not harping on him about it. Honestly, I just try not to even think about it. I pretend that I’m in the perfect relationship. I only see my man once a week, I work 40 hours a week, I never get enough time with my son, I never have any money, and I feel like a complete jerk for feeling so “poor me.” I know I need to be grateful for what I have. I am in a sense, I feel blessed… but at the same time, I also feel like there is a void. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t know how to escape it either.
I wish I hadn’t spent so much time away. I feel like I’ve missed so much. All of the kids are getting so big, or they are welcoming new siblings, and I haven’t been around to see it. Hell, I’m never even around to see my own kid. :( I’m going to try to do better though. I deserve it, and Jason deserves a happier mom.
Jason deserves the world. He is fantastic by the way. Way too smart for his own good. He is constantly asking me “why?” and “what’s that?” “Mommy, What are you doing?” He is amazing. My perfect little 2 year old. This is a pathetically depressing post, so here is a cute picture of my toddler playing a guitar.